My lovely niece Nithya writes about her faith wavering, and solidifying, amidst the trials in her life.
I have been encouraged several times to write a testimonial about all
that happened around the birth of our second child Alan, his health
crisis, surgeries and recovery. However, as Alan continued to struggle
despite the best medical intervention, I put off writing a testimonial
hoping that when he was a 100% healthy I could write a beautiful
testimony with a happy ending; something I felt was essential for an
inspiring story. However, that day has still not arrived. So you must be
wondering why you are reading a testimonial from me. To answer that, I
will have to start from the beginning. I was born in Bangalore in the
early 80s when Bangalore lived up to its name of "Garden City". I was
the middle of 3 girls and my parents brought us up believing in Jesus.
We attended Sunday school and had an unwavering faith in the Bible. We
moved to Delhi when I was five. Despite all the challenges my parents
faced while we were growing up I was a happy child and wanted for
nothing. My faith was very simple - God loved us all and if we obeyed
his commands and worked hard we could achieve anything. I got good
grades and went to the colleges I had aspired to attend. My life was
going exactly as I planned. I fell in love in college and my life was
perfect. But I was in for the jolt of my life. God had other plans for
me.
The first big jolt was when I had to break up with my college
sweetheart because his parents wanted him to marry someone from their
community. Through the worst heartbreak of my life I held on to my faith
in God and promise that God had someone better in mind. I asked God to
assure me this was the right decision so I made chits - one that said
choose my boyfriend and the second one that said not to choose him. I
threw the chit twice and both times the answer was NO. In a moment of
weakness I doubted God and confessed to him that I had made a life
changing decision based on chits and still had doubts if I had made the
right decision. That day when I was reading my bible this is the verse
God gave me - "The lot is cast in the lap, but its every decision is
from the Lord." - Proverbs 16:33. I felt like I had be punched in the
gut but at the same time was overjoyed at how directly the Lord was
speaking to me. I clung on to that verse through all the emotional
turmoil that stewed inside me and it gave me the strength to move on. I
eventually met my husband Brice and although our married life is far
from perfect, we have been together for 10 years and have 2 beautiful
children.
That brings me to the second jolt of my life; something
that no matter how much you prepare yourself for will change the rest
of the course of your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine - the
untimely death of a loved one. In my case it was my mom. It started in
the summer of 2011 when I visited mom and dad in Delhi with Brice. We
had been married just a little over a year. A few months earlier mom had
been diagnosed with
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| Nithya's mother, Pauline |
high blood sugar. We were upset but felt like it
was inevitable as her dad suffered from diabetes and diabetes can be
hereditary. Since it was hot in Delhi we decided to take a family
vacation in Mussorie. Little did I know at that time that this would be
the last vacation with mom. We had a lovely time but something kept
bothering me about mom; she was looking very thin. Frankly cancer
crossed my mind cause I knew unexplained weight loss was a red flag. So
when we were back in Delhi I took her for a check-up and the doctor
attributed her weight loss to her new diet due to her diabetes. A few
months later dad told me he was concerned and wanted to take her to a
specialist, I agreed. He called back a few hours later saying they
suspect cancer and were doing further tests. I wasn’t shocked as I had a
premonition a few months earlier. A couple of days later the test came
back positive for pancreatic cancer. I was devasted as I knew the
survival rate was in the single digits and since there was no cure for
this type of cancer she would die sooner or later. It was horrible
having no hope from a medical standpoint. She decided to go for surgery
and chemo so we supported her praying and hoping for a miracle. I learnt
I was pregnant during this time and it was a hard time emotionally. I
couldn’t travel to see mom due to complications in my pregnancy and had
decided to go and be with her in the 7th month until my maternity leave
was over. There were times during those months when I didn’t know if I
would see mom alive again and if she would hold on till I reached Delhi.
I finally made it to Delhi and had Kyra. I will never forget the look
on mom's face when she held Kyra for the first time when I returned home
from hospital. Despite her weakness and pain she would sing to Kyra and
the love that she showered on all of us in those last few months of her
life was unbelievable. She had an unwavering faith that she would be
healed and the few weeks before her passing when she realized she would
die soon she held on to God despite the fear of death and the
disappointment that He had chosen not to heal her. She said goodbye to
all of us the day before she died and revealed that God would take her
the next day. She breathed her last at 6 AM the next day on June 21st
2012.
Although I knew this day was coming for months nothing
prepared me the emotions I felt. I questioned everything including my
faith, I cried for answers to the question Why me, why my mom? But
didn’t get an answer. I felt God had abandoned me. The Bible says if you
have the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains. It hit me like
a pile of bricks that my faith wasn't even the size of a mustard seed.
I lost my faith. I couldn’t pray or read the Bible. I was lost for many
years. As the years went by the loss of my faith and the lack of my
ability to trust God took its toll on me. I developed severe anxiety as I
worried about everything. I couldn't surrender anything to God. Years
rolled by. Nothing in life had any real meaning. I was just existing. In
2017, I learnt I was pregnant again. I had a really tough pregnancy and
was looking forward to having the baby and the extended maternity
leave. Alan arrived on February 1st 2018 and we were thrilled. It was
after a long time that I felt pure joy and was grateful to be alive. Our
joy was short-lived as the next day Alan was not feeding and his tummy
became distended. They shifted him to the NICU and soon after told us he
would need emergency exploratory abdomen surgery. I had been crying
since the time they shifted Alan to NICU as I felt hopeless. I couldn't
even pray during the worst moments of my life. I tried but no words
would come out. We had no idea what was the problem and had to sign off
on them just poking around in our new-born's abdomen. We signed the
consent forms and I went to see Alan one last time before he went into
surgery. I said goodbye to him begging him to come back to me but also
trying to take in that moment knowing that it might be the last time I
saw him alive. It was undoubtedly the most painful moment of my life.
When I look back honestly I don’t know how I got through it. Alan came
through surgery and the doctors came out and spoke to us. They explained
that Alan had Hirschsprung's disease and they had created a colostomy.
He would need a second surgery to remove the damaged portions of his
bowel and reconnect everything. I decided to take it one day at a time
and that’s how I got through the months leading up to his second
surgery. His second surgery took place when he was 5 months and it was
complicated as he had adhesions from his first surgery. It took 7 hours
and his recovery was slow. We were in hospital for 13 days instead of 3
days initially planned. After that he developed infection after
infection and we were back in hospital several times. The doctors were
puzzled by his complications and we visited several surgeons who wanted
to do more surgery.
It was during this time that I cried out to God to
help. I realized I had no standing with God but knew in my heart that
God had brought us so far and he was the only one who could heal Alan.
Healing came slowly; Alan made it to his first birthday and then to his
second. We continued to have several scares; the last one as recent as
May but the intensity of the infections have reduced and his recovery is
faster. I continue to pray for complete healing for Alan. My faith is
not the same as when I was young. It is different and I feel like I'm
back at the start, a beginner. The Lord is helping me build my faith
from scratch. But now I have hope, I savour the time spent with Alan and
Kyra in the moment instead of worrying about the future. The word of
God has deeper meaning now because of all that I have been through. I
don't know what the future holds and there are days when everything
seems too much to bear but I have the belief that with God on my side I
will be able to help others through my struggles. I would like to end
with the famous verse from Psalm 23:1 - "The Lord is my shepherd; I
shall not want." We have heard this verse a million times but how many
of us truly accept God to the degree that we want for nothing. Have we
surrendered to Him to lead, protect and guide us. Have we reached that
point in our lives where He is enough.
It is my hope for each of us that we can say without a doubt "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."
Love Nithya.
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| Nithya with Kyra and Alan |
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